Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
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