ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
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I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
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I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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