Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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