If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
There was a lot of him and a little penis
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
