I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
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You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
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I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
The power of my boobs compel you