Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
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