I accidentally had phone sex last night
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
