I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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