we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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