Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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