I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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