Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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