It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
You are a genius and a whore.
Randomize
