allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Randomize
