i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
