Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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