If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Randomize
