his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
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