I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
