Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
