Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize
