she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
