dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
