Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Randomize
