I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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