He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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