my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
