Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Randomize
