I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Randomize
