Porn is love you can see.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
