I seem to have left my pride at pride
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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