I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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