Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
