Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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