last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
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