Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Randomize
