I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Randomize
