The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
