Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
Randomize
