$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Randomize
