You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
