you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
