I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
