Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize