someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Randomize
