Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Randomize
