Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
