Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
