i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
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