At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
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