I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
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