Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
